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[liberationtech] Guardian Project announces new "SmellySuperCrypto" app, featuring, "BurnBabyBurn" and "UnicornRainbows", too!

Nathan of Guardian nathan at
Tue Feb 5 11:23:55 PST 2013

For your personal liberation...

Guardian Project announces new "SmellySuperCrypto" app, featuring
"BurnBabyBurn" and "UnicornRainbows", too!

By Mylo Eyque, February 6, 2013

In a startling revelation, mobile security organization, The Guardian
Project, announced today that they have been secretly working on a new
mobile quantum encryption algorithm, that is "unrivalled in the galaxy,
possibly across multiple universes, as well". Guardian Project's Chief
Extrapolation Officer, Nathan Freitas (who was on the shotput and discus
team in high school, and is also pretty good at playing tuba), says "Not
only will it keep your data safe, but it can ""warp space-time""* around
your phone, rendering it ""physically invisible""* to the naked eye".

*(double quotes intentionally added to represent the actual gestures
made by the interviewee)

The algorithm will be made available in a new app "SmellySuperCrypto"
only on iPhone 6s (which costs six months salary for most people in the
world), and require use of a credit card, something most people in the
world, also do not have. It is not really meant for "those types"
though, and is really meant for "jetsetting activist reporter types".
Also, it will only be available in places where Apple does not censor
the app store, which is not a problem because "who is crazy enough to
live in those places!?", Mr. Freitas said.

Mr. Freitas would only hint that the breakthrough comes from a new
powerful source of energy, that may have to do with an over-abundance of
cow manure found in news articles regarding mobile privacy tools. While
that may sound "beyond belief", this reporter can tell you, that I was
privy to a secret prototype version, that a handful of people working in
a remote location are using. Users reported that there was "definitely
an odor" related to using the app, but it did appear to be secure, based
on all the "Matrix-like 1s and 0s that fly across the screen" everytime
you start the app up.

In addition to the crypto, the app also can "slice and dice" your data
like a "ninja with a ginsu", and "do some crazy karate on your
communications" like "a robot assassin trained in crazy karate". It in
fact does come with a "BurnBabyBurn" feature that actually ignites your
mobile phone, using a kerosene-filled add-on hardware module, that plugs
in to your headphone jack, "just like one of those nifty Square(tm)
devices!". This reporter thinks that if it works for buying lattes with
your credit card, it can work for exploding your phone. Wow!

Finally, when asked how data is transmitted, Mr. Freitas said "this is
beyond the cloud", and pointed the user at a poster on the wall showing
"unicorns dancing over rainbow bridges", while putting his finger to his
mouth and hushing any further questions. I mean, how amazing could it
be, that he can't even explain it to me?!

Source code is not currently available, or may not even exist, and if it
did only neckbeard geeks would want it, but they are considering
releasing it to certain European physics experts, under the condition
that any review includes a private tour of the CERN particle accelerator
because "that thing is awesome".

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