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[liberationtech] Guardian Project announces new "SmellySuperCrypto" app, featuring, "BurnBabyBurn" and "UnicornRainbows", too!
nadim at nadim.cc
Tue Feb 5 11:38:45 PST 2013
That sounds amazing. You're someone I really like on a personal level so
I'm therefore going to absolutely defend SmellySuperCrypto. It must be
However, I did notice a technical inaccuracy with your description.
You mention that your encryption follows the "ninja with a ginsu"
implementation — I was under the impression that this was deprecated in
favor of Ninja in Katana mode.
Other than that I think you've really hit the ground running with a great
invention here that will revolutionize the cyberworld.
Let's keep this discussion going. There are many important, critical
discussions to have around SmellySuperCrypto:
- Will it automatically delete my messages after a while? This is very
- As the sole caretakers of the servers and code, you guys need to be
trustworthy. Can you take me out to lunch so I can see whether I can trust
- How many bits of encryption are you using? Is it military-grade?
Thanks, and great work,
On Tue, Feb 5, 2013 at 2:23 PM, Nathan of Guardian <
nathan at guardianproject.info> wrote:
> For your personal liberation...
> Guardian Project announces new "SmellySuperCrypto" app, featuring
> "BurnBabyBurn" and "UnicornRainbows", too!
> By Mylo Eyque, February 6, 2013 TechNewsSuperAmazingToday.com
> In a startling revelation, mobile security organization, The Guardian
> Project, announced today that they have been secretly working on a new
> mobile quantum encryption algorithm, that is "unrivalled in the galaxy,
> possibly across multiple universes, as well". Guardian Project's Chief
> Extrapolation Officer, Nathan Freitas (who was on the shotput and discus
> team in high school, and is also pretty good at playing tuba), says "Not
> only will it keep your data safe, but it can ""warp space-time""* around
> your phone, rendering it ""physically invisible""* to the naked eye".
> *(double quotes intentionally added to represent the actual gestures
> made by the interviewee)
> The algorithm will be made available in a new app "SmellySuperCrypto"
> only on iPhone 6s (which costs six months salary for most people in the
> world), and require use of a credit card, something most people in the
> world, also do not have. It is not really meant for "those types"
> though, and is really meant for "jetsetting activist reporter types".
> Also, it will only be available in places where Apple does not censor
> the app store, which is not a problem because "who is crazy enough to
> live in those places!?", Mr. Freitas said.
> Mr. Freitas would only hint that the breakthrough comes from a new
> powerful source of energy, that may have to do with an over-abundance of
> cow manure found in news articles regarding mobile privacy tools. While
> that may sound "beyond belief", this reporter can tell you, that I was
> privy to a secret prototype version, that a handful of people working in
> a remote location are using. Users reported that there was "definitely
> an odor" related to using the app, but it did appear to be secure, based
> on all the "Matrix-like 1s and 0s that fly across the screen" everytime
> you start the app up.
> In addition to the crypto, the app also can "slice and dice" your data
> like a "ninja with a ginsu", and "do some crazy karate on your
> communications" like "a robot assassin trained in crazy karate". It in
> fact does come with a "BurnBabyBurn" feature that actually ignites your
> mobile phone, using a kerosene-filled add-on hardware module, that plugs
> in to your headphone jack, "just like one of those nifty Square(tm)
> devices!". This reporter thinks that if it works for buying lattes with
> your credit card, it can work for exploding your phone. Wow!
> Finally, when asked how data is transmitted, Mr. Freitas said "this is
> beyond the cloud", and pointed the user at a poster on the wall showing
> "unicorns dancing over rainbow bridges", while putting his finger to his
> mouth and hushing any further questions. I mean, how amazing could it
> be, that he can't even explain it to me?!
> Source code is not currently available, or may not even exist, and if it
> did only neckbeard geeks would want it, but they are considering
> releasing it to certain European physics experts, under the condition
> that any review includes a private tour of the CERN particle accelerator
> because "that thing is awesome".
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