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[liberationtech] Guardian Project announces new "SmellySuperCrypto" app, featuring, "BurnBabyBurn" and "UnicornRainbows", too!

Brian Conley brianc at
Tue Feb 5 11:57:20 PST 2013

Although I have to say, I believe self-promotion is a bit gauche, and
frowned upon here on the libtech list, this did catch my eye:

"Also, it will only be available in places where Apple does not censor the
app store, which is not a problem because "who is crazy enough to live in
those places!?", Mr. Freitas said."

So true!

However, given the lack of mention of AES or other acronyms, I will not be
suggesting this product to Small World News' stakeholders or trainees in
the near future.

I still like you personally, however!

cheers and beers


On Tue, Feb 5, 2013 at 11:38 AM, Nadim Kobeissi <nadim at> wrote:

> Hi Nathan,
> That sounds amazing. You're someone I really like on a personal level so
> I'm therefore going to absolutely defend SmellySuperCrypto. It must be
> great.
> However, I did notice a technical inaccuracy with your description.
> You mention that your encryption follows the "ninja with a ginsu"
> implementation — I was under the impression that this was deprecated in
> favor of Ninja in Katana mode.
> Other than that I think you've really hit the ground running with a great
> invention here that will revolutionize the cyberworld.
> Let's keep this discussion going. There are many important, critical
> discussions to have around SmellySuperCrypto:
> - Will it automatically delete my messages after a while? This is very
> important.
> - As the sole caretakers of the servers and code, you guys need to be
> trustworthy. Can you take me out to lunch so I can see whether I can trust
> you?
> - How many bits of encryption are you using? Is it military-grade?
> Thanks, and great work,
> NK
> On Tue, Feb 5, 2013 at 2:23 PM, Nathan of Guardian <
> nathan at> wrote:
>> For your personal liberation...
>> ***
>> Guardian Project announces new "SmellySuperCrypto" app, featuring
>> "BurnBabyBurn" and "UnicornRainbows", too!
>> By Mylo Eyque, February 6, 2013
>> In a startling revelation, mobile security organization, The Guardian
>> Project, announced today that they have been secretly working on a new
>> mobile quantum encryption algorithm, that is "unrivalled in the galaxy,
>> possibly across multiple universes, as well". Guardian Project's Chief
>> Extrapolation Officer, Nathan Freitas (who was on the shotput and discus
>> team in high school, and is also pretty good at playing tuba), says "Not
>> only will it keep your data safe, but it can ""warp space-time""* around
>> your phone, rendering it ""physically invisible""* to the naked eye".
>> *(double quotes intentionally added to represent the actual gestures
>> made by the interviewee)
>> The algorithm will be made available in a new app "SmellySuperCrypto"
>> only on iPhone 6s (which costs six months salary for most people in the
>> world), and require use of a credit card, something most people in the
>> world, also do not have. It is not really meant for "those types"
>> though, and is really meant for "jetsetting activist reporter types".
>> Also, it will only be available in places where Apple does not censor
>> the app store, which is not a problem because "who is crazy enough to
>> live in those places!?", Mr. Freitas said.
>> Mr. Freitas would only hint that the breakthrough comes from a new
>> powerful source of energy, that may have to do with an over-abundance of
>> cow manure found in news articles regarding mobile privacy tools. While
>> that may sound "beyond belief", this reporter can tell you, that I was
>> privy to a secret prototype version, that a handful of people working in
>> a remote location are using. Users reported that there was "definitely
>> an odor" related to using the app, but it did appear to be secure, based
>> on all the "Matrix-like 1s and 0s that fly across the screen" everytime
>> you start the app up.
>> In addition to the crypto, the app also can "slice and dice" your data
>> like a "ninja with a ginsu", and "do some crazy karate on your
>> communications" like "a robot assassin trained in crazy karate". It in
>> fact does come with a "BurnBabyBurn" feature that actually ignites your
>> mobile phone, using a kerosene-filled add-on hardware module, that plugs
>> in to your headphone jack, "just like one of those nifty Square(tm)
>> devices!". This reporter thinks that if it works for buying lattes with
>> your credit card, it can work for exploding your phone. Wow!
>> Finally, when asked how data is transmitted, Mr. Freitas said "this is
>> beyond the cloud", and pointed the user at a poster on the wall showing
>> "unicorns dancing over rainbow bridges", while putting his finger to his
>> mouth and hushing any further questions. I mean, how amazing could it
>> be, that he can't even explain it to me?!
>> Source code is not currently available, or may not even exist, and if it
>> did only neckbeard geeks would want it, but they are considering
>> releasing it to certain European physics experts, under the condition
>> that any review includes a private tour of the CERN particle accelerator
>> because "that thing is awesome".
>> --
>> Unsubscribe, change to digest, or change password at:
> --
> Unsubscribe, change to digest, or change password at:


Brian Conley

Director, Small World News

m: 646.285.2046

Skype: brianjoelconley
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